"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."
So Einstein really was a genius! ;)
Its so reassuring to find validation in another’s words. Like my feelings have even more credit now that I hear that its not just me. It seems the solution comes from the same place the problem did: caring what other people think. We like to think that it doesn't really matter. That we're more evolved. That we're stronger or better than that. But we are social creatures. Even those of us that the world have labeled "antisocial", (completely inaccurate, totally misplaced, and even offensive label by the way).
We all crave acceptance. We all want to belong somewhere. We all want a little sign every once in awhile that someone understands. That someone can relate to what you're feeling/experiencing. And that is not weak. That is human.
I moved out of my dorm Saturday. And I withdrew from my classes. And the moment I made the decision to do so, I was sure that it was the right one for me. When asked directly, I'm going to fumble for the words to form an explanation. And yes, sure as I am, I still feel the need to make an explanation (damn you, social nature). To some people its going to sound like I have no clue what I'm doing, or why I did what I did. But there are such few moments in life that you can make a choice with such clarity and certainty that you are making the right one. And this was one. And it feels right, not because its less work for me.
But because I know I'm not meant to climb trees. I'm meant to swim. And I'm surrounded by a lot of tree climbing monkeys. And a lot of creatures that think they are tree climbing monkeys. And a lot of fish, in various stages of aquatic mastery.
When you are little, before the outside world has got a good strong grasp on you, you are whoever you are, uncensored and unaltered. If you are a fish, you swim. You eat algae, and enjoy the buoyancy of the water, and your body moves with all the grace that nature intended.
At some point, I'm not sure of the exact moment, I accepted the theory that I was a monkey. I've tried real hard to climb trees. And I've struggled. Every so often a well intentioned monkey would give me a boost, and I'd find myself high above the ground, surrounded by beautiful tree climbing monkeys. But one wrong move, one clumsy fish move, and I would fall from the branches. And I would feel stupid.
There were points in time when I was tired of trying to climb, where I was sure I would never ever get off the ground. I had resigned to a life on the bottom, looking up. I stopped trying. Eventually I found comfort, and even some joy, in the things the ground provided. Those who thought I was made to climb trees, just as I myself did, thought me to be lazy. And I bought into that. I believed I was a lazy, stupid monkey. A monkey that chose not to climb, though that was what she was built for. And when she attempted to, failed miserably. I did not understand that right around the corner was a world underwater.
I've been fighting nature almost all my life. But I now know the truth. I'm a fish. And its time I learned to swim. I'm well on my way, but I'm going to flounder for a bit. The water will feel strange, and I've forgotten how to breathe underwater. Swimming takes effort. It can be every bit as exhausting as climbing trees. But a fish is built for it.
Einstein was right. He wasn’t just right, he was poetic about it. And I now feel a little bad for having formerly written off all scientists/mathematicians as cold standoffish people, unable to comprehend the subtle nuances of the human condition. I was just envious, and hoping that since I obviously fail in your area of expertise that you might be lacking in mine, the art of intuitive insight.
Til next time,
Lainey
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