and trying to be friends with an ex. There's a minor hiccup to mine and Flea's friendship, where I'm not quite sure how much I should burden him with details of my own situation. But I'm hoping he understands how very familiar I am with this heartbreak. Here's a little of my half of the conversation.
"I think the rest of the world has us fooled into thinking that we mourn a little too long and care a little too much. And its hard to find anyone going through the same thing that is showing on the outside what we ourselves are feeling on the inside. So we follow suit and hide it too.
I dont think that the rest of the population doesn't feel the pain. Unless they dont have heart. Some people bury it deeper than others. Some distract themselves so successfully that they can avoid the feelings (for a while). ... But the pain waits for you. This kind of thing needs to be dealt with."
Today was a particularly challenging day, emotionally. There are certain times in life when opening your mouth and baring your soul will have profound and permanent consequences. You can be convinced that coming clean, and revealing your true feelings, is the honest and decent thing to do. And while you are devastated, emotionally wrecked, utterly heartbroken... you can be sure that you're doing the right thing. And out from your mouth leaps the truth, words you've bitten back for a long time, hoping (against hope) that some extra time would render them unneccessary.
Today I heard the words as they left my mouth. And it was part liberating, and part crushing, and part terrifying, and a number of parts I can't yet pinpoint. And now comes the part that I've never ever been able to deal with. The pain. The loss. The regret. The "what if"s and the "should I have"s. I've got to take my own advice, and the advice of those wiser than myself, and I've got to embrace that pain. I've got to resist building up those walls. And I've got to just allow myself to feel whatever it is I'm going to feel. And then, perhaps most challenging of all, I've got to let it go. Surrender. It's easier said than done. But I'm sure that it is possible.
Til next time,
Lainey
Me, A lifetime ago.
you are very wise. and very young. and i can't not say that i think you should be writing. and getting published. like serious writing that makes you have to have discipline and force yourself write for six hours a day, five days a week. and then submit that writing to every known publication. essays on whatever. really.
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